Meditation and Me: Confessions from the Cushion

Meditation and Me: Confessions from the Cushion

If you discount the countless times I used to get stoned, I was 26 years old when I took my first fully conscious inhalation and meditated for the first time.

The stoner’s path just wasn’t an option for me. After being completely hooked I had finally given up a couple years earlier—it had stopped being fun and its function had become to make me feel normal, which seemed pretty pointless. As when I’d given up anti-depressants a few years earlier, I knew I had to discover who I was without all that.

I was on a mission to find ecstasy, or at least some peace of mind. The non-drug route was now appealing, if only because getting off my head had provided just fleeting respite from ‘me’ so far. After extensive immersion in losing my mind I had to concede that there were still as many downs as ups and I still hated myself.

Could meditation really offer relief from the depression and anxiety that wrecked each day? As the Buddha had observed, life was suffering, and I needed a way out.

So I started meditating.

I wondered exactly how I would find the time to meditate in a day that was already too short. There seemed only one way to do it. With a rare display of conviction I set my alarm clock 40 minutes earlier than normal. This was how it would be.

I remember the first time I meditated. I was hungover. I listened to a guided meditation on a CD. As I cycled to work later that morning, the colours and textures of the world were different. Richer, more detailed, more real. Maybe I was still pissed. Whatever, it was enough for me to figure that perhaps there could be something in this after all.

In those early days I was shocked at the sheer volume of shit that my mind insisted on spewing forth. It was a continuous tidal wave of mental and emotional sewage. I was amazed. Is this really what is happening whilst I attempt to go about my daily life? No wonder I’m screwed. The thought that peace of mind was an actual attainable thing seemed ridiculous as I cowered under this mental bombardment.

While frustrating, I had glimpses of what could be. Though hard to stomach, the notion that we can choose how to respond to our thoughts had been planted like a seed in my mind.

I recognised how this could be a remedy for the victim status I occupied in relation to my own mental activity. I dared to envision a day when this was no longer the case. I trusted what I had heard in regard to this being possible, and gambled that waking up 40 minutes earlier for the rest of my life was a price worth paying for that freedom.

The time I invested started to pay off. Sitting on that cushion I learnt not to judge the quality of my thoughts, but to simply experience them, recognise them for what they were, allow them to be, and let them go. In time, the intensity and imposition of these thoughts would slowly begin to subside.

With more time, I started to recognise how thoughts emerge from nothingness, that they appear for a while in awareness, and then dissolve back into the same void from which they came. I realised their transitory and illusory nature.

I spotted their cunning plan: to hijack my emotions, to fool me into believing they had substance and they were real, to trick me into thinking my thoughts and feelings were ‘me’, that my brain vomit should affect my mental state.

As much as I could, I stayed present. I learned how to feel but not respond to the sensations, emotions and thoughts that came.

I wasn’t blocking anything out. It wasn’t about trying to control the contents of my mind, but to let whatever it was just be, without invoking an emotional response. And if there was an emotional response, I tried to just hold that in my awareness without judgement too.

I was able to nurture a space between the arrival of a thought and how I responded in relation to it. In time that space made it’s way from my cushion to other parts of my life, and it continues to grow. Not smoothly though. Fuck no. Sometimes it feels like nine years of meditation was for nothing. But these downers pass, like everything else.

Sometimes I experience astonishing things. Waves of ecstasy. Compassion. Love. A strange and intense spinning sensation. Clarity. Insight. Focus. Having thousands of arms like a Buddhist deity. Often it’s the best half hour of my day.

I’m convinced that the activity of our mind that causes us so much trouble is like clouds in the sky. When we meditate it’s like sitting in a plane that’s taking off. As that rising plane pierces the clouds that shield the sun, we pierce the veil that keeps us from experiencing the clear blue sky of our untainted minds.

At other times I feel tired, frustrated, sleepy and blunt.

I learnt that actually none of this matters. What is important is to just do the practice. Witness the contents of awareness and let it be. Meditation is not about achieving anything, it’s the process of observing and letting go.

Oh No, Not Another Ten Ways to Kickstart Your Meditation Practice!

Oh No, Not Another Ten Ways to Kickstart Your Meditation Practice!

1) Meditate first thing in the morning

It’s a simple truth for most people that meditating first thing in the morning is easier. You might be tempted to leave it for later in the day but meditating in the morning means you’re working with a more rested and empty mind.

It also means you set yourself up well for the day – the commute to work will not be so bad and you won’t be such a grumps in the morning. Hell, you might even feel really happy!

2) Start doing yoga

The whole original purpose of yoga ‘back in the day’, was to prepare the body for meditation. Despite involving just sitting on your ass, you might have noticed that meditation can actually be physically quite demanding, with aches and pains a real distraction.

Yoga is the perfect compliment to meditation because it opens up the hips and strengthens the core, meaning you can sit for longer without pains creeping into your neck, back, knees, shoulders, and wherever else.

If you currently sit in a chair, you may find that yoga can help you transition to sitting in a half or full lotus position, perhaps facilitating a deeper experience.

3) Don’t get attached to notions of good or bad meditations

This is a biggy! It’s easy to think that meditation should be this or that. Especially if we read books about spirituality or blog articles by meditators, it’s easy to think that we’ve failed if we don’t experience oneness, bliss, love, light, enlightenment, energy flows and other such clichés.

This is not what meditation is about. Meditation is about the practice of observing and allowing the contents of your awareness. If you simply do this you’ve succeeded. It doesn’t matter if you feel grumpy, tired, hungry, sexually aroused, harassed by your thoughts, or united with the supreme godhead, meditation is about observation and letting go. Simples.

4) Go on a retreat

Going on a meditation retreat might seem a little intensive but it’s a great way to discover the power of meditation. When I attended my first ten day silent Vipassana retreat I was amazed how positive the affects were.

I felt more creative and inspired than ever. I was happier and more relaxed. I felt more positive about the future. Sure, the long hours spent meditating might involve a bit of discomfort but the potential ROI is big.

5) Listen to a guided meditation

If you just can’t get into it and you’re frustrated by your wondering mind, don’t worry. This is all part of the process at certain stages. Having said that, you might find it helps to gain some extra direction through a guided meditation or a binaural beats sound recording, rather than just meditating in silence.

This is how I started, and though I discarded these tools after a while they helped to first get me into my practice.

6) Go to a local meditation class

Forget books and talks, there’s no better way to learn how to meditate than to meditate. Going to local classes exposes you to different styles of meditation, forces you to actually do it, and connects you to other meditators.

You never know, you might even find some of them are nice people who become friends and motivators for your practice. At times for example, I’ve really enjoyed going to Buddhist classes as the teachings about the mind are just so bang on. See what’s happening in your town or city and sign up to an introductory course.

7) Wear earplugs

This might not sound like the most profound piece of advice you’ll hear about meditation but I promise it’s a good one. I only started doing this recently and I wish I’d done it sooner.

The world can be a noisy place sometimes, with cars, noisy kids, domestic disputes and refuse collectors all doing their best to ruin the morning peace. There is an argument for being as mindful as possible while you meditate to this soundtrack but there is also a lot to gain from meditating in peace and quiet.

Find some decent foam earplugs and discover how much deeper you can go. This is also a godsend for meditating travellers on the move, who never have to worry about another crowing cockerel again.

8) Swim, shower or drink coffee beforehand

Meditating when you are sleepy can sometimes be frustrating and counterproductive. If this is a problem, do something to wake yourself up first, particular if you’ve just been sleeping. I always jump in the shower before meditating but coffee (don’t listen to your ‘coffee is bad for you’ yogi friends) and exercise will also do the trick. Swimming is particularly refreshing if you have access to a nearby pool.

9) Set your alarm clock early

If you’re not sure how to fit meditation into your busy routine, I have a simple solution: set your alarm clock early by the amount of time you intend to meditate for plus ten minutes. It might sound like a sucky thing to do but you’ll soon get used to it, and the energising affects of meditation first thing in the morning will give you back the rest you missed.

I used to recoil at the thought of such a thing but now cannot even consider leaving for work without getting my fix.

10) Try different styles of meditation

There are many styles of meditation out there, and while no particular one can be said to be the best, there’s sure to be a style that just works better for you. If your current practice is not really doing it, try some others. It could be just the refresh you need. I found moving to an open meditation instead of concentrating on my breath did wonders. Don’t endlessly try different styles though, find what works for you.

11) Meditate everyday

Whether it’s for three or 30 minutes, the benefits of meditation stack up the more you do it. Short on time? Woke up late? Doesn’t matter. Just do what you can – a little is better than none.

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